Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
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Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]