Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
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My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Lmfaoooooo
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
when you are just born a rebel
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”