*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
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“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
That’s classic.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
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I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.