The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
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Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?