[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
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Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.