My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
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If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Dyslexics are teople poo!
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
i made a craigslist ad !
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.