[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
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YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
This is I, Robot all over again
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.