If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
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I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Truth