[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
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Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.