Dyslexics are teople poo!
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doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
🤣🤣
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Feels
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.