The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
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I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.