The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
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Don’t snitch tag.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
My first son he is wonderful
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
The days of good grammer has went
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!