I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
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Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.