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Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
It’s a gift
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Werent we promised soylent green by now?