When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
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KFC hitting the cannibal market
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?