Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
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I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced