Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
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*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training