All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
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do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Feels
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Life cycle of cat
This is not me but this is me
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…