“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
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my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?