*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
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If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
finally
Fiction has to make sense.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Always
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage