God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
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I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women