Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
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When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Catercrombie & Fish
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!