My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
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Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)