Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
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Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
no!! no!!!!!!
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
a fate I wish upon no one
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
dads on road-trips be like
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie