Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
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maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
#CatsOnTwitter
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.