[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
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Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO