I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
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Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.