Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
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{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.