The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
You Might Also Like
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
no regrets
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.