I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
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Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
This makes total sense…
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…