Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
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[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
can’t talk my ride’s here
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now