I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
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You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.