How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
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My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.