Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
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Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.