If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
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You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.