Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
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I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.