One venti cheeseburger please.
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I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong