You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
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Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Brb my Sims are getting married
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.