i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
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” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me