Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
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[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
It’s an epidemic…
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).