Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
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All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
You wish you had this many chins.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Sign of the day..
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers