Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
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I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit