[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
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I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.