“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
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Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I love it all
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle