If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
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King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE