(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
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*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Husband of the year 😂