*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
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seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.