Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
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i guess his teacher was really pissed
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Watermelon Boss!
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this