URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
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Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science