Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
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To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work